What Color is Your Masochism Part 4: The Job Search

Finding a job is hard. I've been looking for a new one for over three years, so I can say this with absolute certainty. I can't say that this three year odyssey has been fruitless, because I've learned more than I ever thought I wanted to know about the job search process. More than that though, the constant reconstruction of cover letters and objectives, the re-organizing of bullet points on my resume has given me enormous insight into my own skills, interests, and adaptability. I'm grateful for all of these things, but if I'm being honest here, I have to say that I would not have put myself through this if I'd had a choice. This mid-recession job market has been like a sadistic drill sergeant forcing me to realize I can do more pull-ups than I thought I could.

To summarize the process, I can say it involved a lot of reading: craigslist, Monster, CareerBuilder, individual websites for companies I was interested in, books on career advice (What Color is Your Parachute?), numerous online guides to resume writing, sample cover letters, salary comparisons, Yahoo news articles comparing various U.S. job markets, etcetera, etcetera! Then a lot of applying what I read to apply for jobs: sitting down and asking myself the eternal questions: What do I want to do? What am I good at? Why do I want this job? In some ways, the early stages of the job search are like interviewing yourself for a job, and often you come to the conclusion that you don't want to work certain places, or you aren't qualified for certain positions, but the longer you work at it, you come to be acutely aware of what jobs would work for you, and what you could work for.

I never imagined that I'd write so many cover letters. And it's an awkward thing to do, especially if you do it too many times. And by awkward, I mean excruciating. Sitting down over and over to describe your strengths, to figure out what is best about yourself, what other people will find interesting or valuable, and why those things are relevant, can start to feel extremely neurotic after one or two dozen drafts. I've watched my own drafts go from being succinct and professional to verbose and desperate to cheeky and irreverent. None of them have gotten a response in over two years. Not a single call. Not a single email or interview request. No matter what job or what form of introduction I choose. I am writing into a vacuum. So I've become even more playful, just to make the effort more entertaining for myself. Because at this point, I've come to the conclusion that I don't want to work for anyone who expects anything other than what I have to offer (and part of that is my humor!). I don't want to work for someone who requires me to jump through hoops and put up a false front to impress them. Of course, I might not feel this way if there were any chance that a false front, or any front for that matter, might get a response.

In short, I'm burned out, I'm tired, I'm confused, I'm frustrated, I do not understand what I have to do in order to find a job (or even be considered for one), but somehow it's making me more confident in myself and my worth, not less. I'm less willing to bend over backward, and in fact more particular about how I want to be treated by a potential employer. My demands are getting more imperative as the desperation increases. My backbone is getting stronger, and I find it absolutely mystifying. You'd think that after all this rejection and disappointment I'd feel broken and sad and defeated, but I feel stronger and sassier, and more convinced of my own value. I guess this comes from having to state my value over and over, but jesus m hot damn f christ, it's a bizarre and blessed side effect. Will this new attitude get me any closer to a job? If experience is any indication, probably not. But at least it doesn't feel so bad anymore. This is the color of my masochism: a sort of dusty iridescent shimmer.

What Color Is Your Masochism? Part 3 - model of success

I was browsing around monster.com today, and noticed a feature called "Success Stories: I Found My Job" meant to help guide the confused job seeking masses who forage through the site wondering what exactly it takes to find a dream job. Monster's "Success Stories" series profiles successful professionals who have found their dream jobs, and outlines their trajectory to professional fulfillment.

You can read these stories and model your job search after ordinary, everyday winners, like Alexis, who landed a job as the head blogger at Alicia Keys's new website. And boy does she make it look easy! All Alexis had to do was work super hard in high school to get full scholarships to college, presumably freeing her up to explore foundational occupations like internships in her field, rather than settling for the menial service industry jobs many college students fall into. She got her first big break right out of college, writing at the Village Voice. As a follow up, she spent the next couple of years as an editor for Martha Stewart, and then headed finally to Monster.com to collect her Dream Job. In other words, she did a bunch of shit "you, the reader/job seeker" should've done years ago but didn't, but hey, it's not too late for you to enroll in one of Monster's many for-profit higher ed sponsors. What'll it be, hmmm?

I'm not actually knocking Alexis (or Monster). In fact I think she should be commended for achieving so much, and for being willing to share her story in the hope of inspiring others.The problem is that Alexis's story, like so many other success stories, promotes an uncommonly straight, narrow path and doesn't offer much guidance or inspiration for the countless job seekers whose personal histories are complicated by familial, financial or other obligations. We've all heard over and over that the road to success begins with a single SAT score, that the way to make yourself stand out is to go beyond the basics and add volunteer work, internships, and apprenticeships to your portfolio. But what advice do we have for people whose dance cards are full? People with children and debt and sick parents and dead parents and minefields of social discouragement to navigate?

I think it's fantastic that Alexis was able to make all the right moves, at the right times, and that things worked out for her as a result. But what about the kids and grown ups who have to do it differently, whose roads are more a murky irridescent collage of spirals and zigzags than a clean sturdy highway of yellow bricks? Alexis's story is pretty cool, but it's also predictable, conventional and very, very boring. What I'd really like to read would be a series called "Success Stories: I Found My Unique, Bizzare, and Improbably Perfect Job"

What Color Is Your Masochism? Part 2b - Rockstar Resume

Please accept my attached resume in response to your ad for an experienced Rockstar Receptionist

You can count on me to:
· Show up late (even later than you’re imagining right now)
· Leave early (unless I pass out at my desk, in which case, I’ll leave when my hangover wears off or when you hand me another drink, whichever comes first)
· Smell like booze and groupies
· Break stuff for no apparent reason
· Bone you and/or your significant other
· Have a perpetually runny nose
· Motivate someone else to do the dirty work for me, i.e. filing, faxing, answering phones

I have a proven track record of “Rockstar” behavior and am excited to offer my talents to your team. I’ve developed my skills in multiple roles as an office manager, receptionist, intern, and bookkeeper, and have taken every opportunity to hone my tendencies toward overall rockstar performance. I’m not much of a team player, but I make a great frontman, and routinely bring the house down with unparalleled pelvic thrusts, head bangs, and shredding vocals.

If you’re looking for the perfect candidate for the job you’ve described, look no further!

Salary Requirements:
$6,000 per appearance, plus hospitality rider to include 1 deli tray, chips & salsa, case of Coors Light or comparable American light beer, one fifth of Maker’s Mark, and 6 packets of Throat Coat tea.

What Color is Your Masochism? Part 2 – Rockstar Receptionist

Ever find yourself looking for another reason to feel disgusted with humanity? Go to Craigslist and search the word “rockstar” in “Jobs.” Seriously, you can do this in any town in the U.S. What you’ll find are a bunch of employers hoping to get a lot of something for next to nothing. In the vocabulary of want ads, the word “rockstar” indicates someone with exceptional skills and ambition who will work for a wage below market standard, and below what a person can reasonably live on.

These ads drive me batty. Not only because they’re unreasonable and insulting to jobseekers, but because the authors of these ads clearly don’t understand what a “rockstar” is.

Rule #1 in this OPP establishment: Rockstars do not work for minimum wage.

In the common mythology, rockstars are not typically symbols of administrative virtue. An abundance of noteworthy, talented musicians have contributed to the image of the rockstar as oversexed, drug addicted, and wildly narcissistic and impulse-driven. Does that sound like an ideal secretary to you? Administrative professionals are traditionally credited for their organization, punctuality, demure sense of duty and obedience; traits not typically ascribed to rockstars.

Out of wicked curiosity and a compelling desire to vindicate the abused job-seeking masses, I started wondering how these employers would react if they got a a curriculum vitae closer to what you’d expect from an actual rockstar. As a little experiment, I'm sending out a "Rockstar" cover letter and resume to job listings that ask for it. (See part 2b for the actual CV)