What Color is Your Masochism Part 4: The Job Search

Finding a job is hard. I've been looking for a new one for over three years, so I can say this with absolute certainty. I can't say that this three year odyssey has been fruitless, because I've learned more than I ever thought I wanted to know about the job search process. More than that though, the constant reconstruction of cover letters and objectives, the re-organizing of bullet points on my resume has given me enormous insight into my own skills, interests, and adaptability. I'm grateful for all of these things, but if I'm being honest here, I have to say that I would not have put myself through this if I'd had a choice. This mid-recession job market has been like a sadistic drill sergeant forcing me to realize I can do more pull-ups than I thought I could.

To summarize the process, I can say it involved a lot of reading: craigslist, Monster, CareerBuilder, individual websites for companies I was interested in, books on career advice (What Color is Your Parachute?), numerous online guides to resume writing, sample cover letters, salary comparisons, Yahoo news articles comparing various U.S. job markets, etcetera, etcetera! Then a lot of applying what I read to apply for jobs: sitting down and asking myself the eternal questions: What do I want to do? What am I good at? Why do I want this job? In some ways, the early stages of the job search are like interviewing yourself for a job, and often you come to the conclusion that you don't want to work certain places, or you aren't qualified for certain positions, but the longer you work at it, you come to be acutely aware of what jobs would work for you, and what you could work for.

I never imagined that I'd write so many cover letters. And it's an awkward thing to do, especially if you do it too many times. And by awkward, I mean excruciating. Sitting down over and over to describe your strengths, to figure out what is best about yourself, what other people will find interesting or valuable, and why those things are relevant, can start to feel extremely neurotic after one or two dozen drafts. I've watched my own drafts go from being succinct and professional to verbose and desperate to cheeky and irreverent. None of them have gotten a response in over two years. Not a single call. Not a single email or interview request. No matter what job or what form of introduction I choose. I am writing into a vacuum. So I've become even more playful, just to make the effort more entertaining for myself. Because at this point, I've come to the conclusion that I don't want to work for anyone who expects anything other than what I have to offer (and part of that is my humor!). I don't want to work for someone who requires me to jump through hoops and put up a false front to impress them. Of course, I might not feel this way if there were any chance that a false front, or any front for that matter, might get a response.

In short, I'm burned out, I'm tired, I'm confused, I'm frustrated, I do not understand what I have to do in order to find a job (or even be considered for one), but somehow it's making me more confident in myself and my worth, not less. I'm less willing to bend over backward, and in fact more particular about how I want to be treated by a potential employer. My demands are getting more imperative as the desperation increases. My backbone is getting stronger, and I find it absolutely mystifying. You'd think that after all this rejection and disappointment I'd feel broken and sad and defeated, but I feel stronger and sassier, and more convinced of my own value. I guess this comes from having to state my value over and over, but jesus m hot damn f christ, it's a bizarre and blessed side effect. Will this new attitude get me any closer to a job? If experience is any indication, probably not. But at least it doesn't feel so bad anymore. This is the color of my masochism: a sort of dusty iridescent shimmer.

(818) 764-xxxx

I'm secretly superstitious about phone numbers. Specifically, somewhere deep in my gut I harbor the idea that if a time ever comes when I really need to talk to the ghosts of my family, and I mean really, really need to talk to them, that the universe will somehow intervene and grant me a temporary connection through their old phone line. And if I call the number and it doesn't work, or if someone else answers, that's the universe telling me that I'm better off than I think, and I don't really need to talk to them just yet.

It's the kind of notion that's born of early loss - even though your rational mind knows that this sort of thing can't be real, frankly, your heart will tell you that the sudden death of someone you love can't be real either, so for the time being, all restrictions on imagination are off. Once the blow of grief strikes, a part of your brain never really fuses, a part of your heart is so haunted and fractured, that it requires a fantasy, a cognitive bandage to hold it together for the rest of your life. The phone numbers, two of them that start with 764, are my gauze and my adhesive tape, talismans, if not cures for the injured part of my heart.

At this point the bulk of my close losses is behind me, but it's been a devastating week for people I love, and I'm wishing that they all find the comfort and support they need for what comes next. Superstitions, band-aids, tourniquets, myths, legends, and lullabies: may they each find the talisman that soothes them.

Recipe: Boyfriend's Chicken Adobo

Ingredients:
2 bottles of Cabernet

Directions:
1. Drink
2. Enjoy!

He does the rest. I have no idea what happens, but it results in a delicious dinner. Ocho ocho ohhhh! :)

Sweet Potato Hash

I've been seeing a lot of mentions of "Sweet Potato Hash" lately and was dying to know what it tasted like. I tried looking around for recipes and they all seemed either unnecessarily complicated or way too vague. So I came up with my own and it was fantastic. While I was chopping I got to wondering about the history of onions, so I might do a little research and report back soon. In the meantime: the Hash...

2 large sweet potatoes, diced (half inch or so)
1/2 medium onion, diced
1/2 bell pepper (any color), diced
2-4 T of oil (I used coconut, but olive oil would be good too)
Any combination of the following spices, to taste:
coarse salt & pepper
paprika (I used sweet and smoked)
coriander
cayenne
more paprika (it really adheres to the sweetness of the potatoes)
Adobo (Goya brand seasoning. If you don't have this, use garlic & a tiny bit of oregano and cumin)

In a large skillet, saute onions in oil until they just start to soften, then add pepper. Cook stirring occasionally until pepper begins to soften and onion begins to caramelize slightly. Add potatoes and some spices. Cook stirring occasionally over medium to medium-high heat until potatoes are tender and lightly browned. Adjust spices as needed (in other words: add more paprika).

Serve with roast chicken or turkey, or for breakfast in place of home fries. It also tastes delicious on a fork while it's still cooking!

Note: fresh sage would be great in this too. Also, I saw recipes calling for Worcestershire sauce but haven't tried that yet.

Bored on Campus

The police academy at one of the community colleges I work is conducting outdoor training with guns drawn and car search simulations in the parking lot today. This same school had a lockdown due to an actual shooting and bomb threat this time last year. Since I was here during the incident last Spring and very narrowly slipped through the lockdown and subsequent freeway closure, it all looks a bit too authentic for comfort. Also the signs that say “Police Training in Progress” are too small and easy to miss. I came within inches of calling in “fuck this shit” before realizing it was all ok and we were just playing cops and robbers.  I wonder if this is setting the tone for a semester full of simulations, illusions, and fake-outs. Let the drama begin!

What Color Is Your Masochism? Part 3 - model of success

I was browsing around monster.com today, and noticed a feature called "Success Stories: I Found My Job" meant to help guide the confused job seeking masses who forage through the site wondering what exactly it takes to find a dream job. Monster's "Success Stories" series profiles successful professionals who have found their dream jobs, and outlines their trajectory to professional fulfillment.

You can read these stories and model your job search after ordinary, everyday winners, like Alexis, who landed a job as the head blogger at Alicia Keys's new website. And boy does she make it look easy! All Alexis had to do was work super hard in high school to get full scholarships to college, presumably freeing her up to explore foundational occupations like internships in her field, rather than settling for the menial service industry jobs many college students fall into. She got her first big break right out of college, writing at the Village Voice. As a follow up, she spent the next couple of years as an editor for Martha Stewart, and then headed finally to Monster.com to collect her Dream Job. In other words, she did a bunch of shit "you, the reader/job seeker" should've done years ago but didn't, but hey, it's not too late for you to enroll in one of Monster's many for-profit higher ed sponsors. What'll it be, hmmm?

I'm not actually knocking Alexis (or Monster). In fact I think she should be commended for achieving so much, and for being willing to share her story in the hope of inspiring others.The problem is that Alexis's story, like so many other success stories, promotes an uncommonly straight, narrow path and doesn't offer much guidance or inspiration for the countless job seekers whose personal histories are complicated by familial, financial or other obligations. We've all heard over and over that the road to success begins with a single SAT score, that the way to make yourself stand out is to go beyond the basics and add volunteer work, internships, and apprenticeships to your portfolio. But what advice do we have for people whose dance cards are full? People with children and debt and sick parents and dead parents and minefields of social discouragement to navigate?

I think it's fantastic that Alexis was able to make all the right moves, at the right times, and that things worked out for her as a result. But what about the kids and grown ups who have to do it differently, whose roads are more a murky irridescent collage of spirals and zigzags than a clean sturdy highway of yellow bricks? Alexis's story is pretty cool, but it's also predictable, conventional and very, very boring. What I'd really like to read would be a series called "Success Stories: I Found My Unique, Bizzare, and Improbably Perfect Job"

What Color Is Your Masochism? Part 2b - Rockstar Resume

Please accept my attached resume in response to your ad for an experienced Rockstar Receptionist

You can count on me to:
· Show up late (even later than you’re imagining right now)
· Leave early (unless I pass out at my desk, in which case, I’ll leave when my hangover wears off or when you hand me another drink, whichever comes first)
· Smell like booze and groupies
· Break stuff for no apparent reason
· Bone you and/or your significant other
· Have a perpetually runny nose
· Motivate someone else to do the dirty work for me, i.e. filing, faxing, answering phones

I have a proven track record of “Rockstar” behavior and am excited to offer my talents to your team. I’ve developed my skills in multiple roles as an office manager, receptionist, intern, and bookkeeper, and have taken every opportunity to hone my tendencies toward overall rockstar performance. I’m not much of a team player, but I make a great frontman, and routinely bring the house down with unparalleled pelvic thrusts, head bangs, and shredding vocals.

If you’re looking for the perfect candidate for the job you’ve described, look no further!

Salary Requirements:
$6,000 per appearance, plus hospitality rider to include 1 deli tray, chips & salsa, case of Coors Light or comparable American light beer, one fifth of Maker’s Mark, and 6 packets of Throat Coat tea.